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the earth has not swallowed me yet
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 13th, 2006|11:55 pm] |
well theres no one to talk to, so i might as well talk to myself.
summer never really began so its not so hard to let it be over. i'm gradually having less and less friends its pretty upsetting.
some of them i dont mind losing becuase they're turning lame. others, i do mind losing but i'm too apathetic by nature to do something about it.
tonight was a bad night. but obviously i got something out of it.
i started to work its good. but life is becoming unbelievably believable now its not interesting.
jenn promised she'd call me and she hasnt. probably the only thing i've looked forward to this entire summer come to think about it.
I wanna move. I wanna find the kind of people i need in my life and there are too little of them here.
I really hope jenn calls |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 26th, 2006|12:39 am] |
| [ | music |
| | parliament - maggot brain | ] |
relaaaax |
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| never understand... |
[Mar. 22nd, 2006|06:21 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | miles davis - blue in green | ] |
i'm going crazy. there are a lot of things on my mind. some are bothering me, and some i just need to say to someone (or something).
college. musical is killing me. i have no time to do stuff for school, and thus, i am falling behind and my gpa is being affected.
girls. there are many out there. a few nag at my mind constantly. one MORE than nags at my mind. she...i just need to grow up.
me. i have lots of problems. i need some time to myself again. everyday i hate myself more and more and there's nothing i can do about it cause i dont have time. i dont have time because of cabaret, because of school, and because of my problems themselves. its so hard, i wish i could fix it quickly.
sat's are coming in may, and i'm gonna need to study once musical ends.
i just dont know, i need to be able to rely on myself and trust myself more. however, there's nothing to rely on. i'm not extraordinary. in fact, i am plain as can be, and i am struggling to accept myself.
theres a reason why i'm not accepting myself, but i dont see myself improving. and if this goes on i will be in trouble soon. |
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| away from the norm |
[Feb. 5th, 2006|01:08 am] |
i feel great these days. just goin by one day at a time and not thinking of anything. i'm just kinda bored of how repetitive each day is.
i'm also curious to find out what its like to have a girl. i mean, its not like i ever had a legitimate girlfriend or anything.. i'm at such a point where having a girlfriend will be really out of the norm. maybe even enough to really change/mess things up in my life. i don't know.
i don't really know what i want to do either... life is such a business, you're either in it being an asshole businessman (which is how you get places in life) or you decide not to partake in the business and turn out being a person but one not having anything.
i'm calm about this though, and every part of me thats skeptical really isn't. good. |
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| you ask me where did all that go... and i have no answer |
[Dec. 21st, 2005|10:33 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | 311 - long for the flowers | ] |
so tomorrow is the talent show. i'm so unhappy with myself again, i've been around people for way too long. i was even on stage today and i was so uncomfortable. i used to love being on stage, it was my home.. now that i've been desensitized to happy feelings, i just don't get that same feeling anymore. its again with that whole thing where i'm around other people so much i'm forgetting what makes me happy. i'm hoping spain will cure that, but for some reason i'm really doubtful. it would be really awesome if i get out of my spain trip the same that i got out of maine over the summer. that was easily the best vacation i've ever had. whatever, we'll see.
on another note, i've been a total loser lately. just a complete drag to be with. with all my friends. i'm forgetting birthdays, i'm not calling when i say i will. my parents are pissed because i'm being a heartless person nowadays and i haven't even spoken to any relatives from israel in ages.
again, winter sucks and it really needs to change. seriously, the cold brings out the worst in people. I definately have to get my ass out of here to go to a warmer place. I think things would be really different and a lot warmer (duh).
let it flow biatch.. |
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| what you need is guranteed, the deepest dream we have could be |
[Oct. 18th, 2005|10:48 pm] |
the next dillema.
i'm thinking of what i should do when i grow up/where to apply for college.
its only natural to be thinking about this at this point in time and i know that.
as of now i wanna do the clive jones school for recorded music. its exactly what i wanna do, and its the first school in the country to offer a program like the one i'm looking for. the only scary thing about it is its a part of tisch at nyu, so it may be for really awesome kids, and not me cuz i'm not awesome.
my parents are being completely unsupportive of this, and thats because they'd totally rather have me spend my whole life after college working in a cubicle doing the same shit every day till i die/kill myself when i realize my job SUCKS.
all rants aside, as of now i think i'd rather be unstable and doing something that i like just because i'd be satisfied. my question, "what if?" would be answered. i personally am the type of person who can't live with a "what if?" all my life. this what if is making me extremely (and clinically) depressed at the moment, and i can't afford to live with it all my life.
i just need to focus on school for now, thats all i know. what happened today with french should really not be happening anymore and good results such as the ones i receieved in math today should not be an excuse to stop working. today overall was kinda bad, because i lost the battle with myself to get hold of my schoolwork.
with time, and a clearer mind (obtained by organization and lack of stress because of various new approaches i have taken in my life) i will be able to have a better understanding of what i want to do with my future and whether i'm ready, as a teenager to make these decisions that will affect the rest of my life.
peace out |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 16th, 2005|11:30 pm] |
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i lost a friend today |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 8th, 2005|10:05 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | bad brains - sailin on | ] |
wow school is whack. i'm really effin busy its.....well whack.
it also feels like school never ended and that summer never occurred which sucks, cuz i wanna hold on to summer as long as possiblel; summer rocked. |
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| get on with the fascination |
[Sep. 6th, 2005|05:18 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | 311 - TRANSISTOR | ] |
wow so i'm about to write a summer recap and a seemingly meaningful entry right now.
but i don't know where to begin.
summer has been a great time for me and i knew it would be. as i do with all summers, i grew a lot and drew some conclusions i could think of for some time and just a strong foundation for my life to come.
i'm gonna stop sounding like a book and start actually sounding human for a change.
top 5 events (as i do every summer at the end)
2. EXPLO. i more just observed and thought about who i want to be after interacting with so many unique people for 3 weeks. i just had a great time and met some great people and had a very good taste of what the world has to offer. whether it was these people or yale itself, i was just overwhelemed by the life that place had. i just got great vibes the whole time there
3. 311 CONCERT. normally, i would put this at number 1 by default because 311 is the best fucking thing ever. however, i didn't get such a strong impression from that concert because things always turn out differently than the way you perceive them to be. the 311 concert is what the band, the place and the people made it out to be. great fun, just a blast from beginning to end, but i didn't have any strong lasting impressions afterwards.
4. Maine. i'd switch this and the 311 concert, but come on, the day maine becomes better than 311 will be a truly horrible day. maine was sick, i just sat and thought about life (the way we ALLLLLL know i like to) and listened to music. the scenery definetely helped as it was completely SICKK.
5. that time, ya kno, after school ended and before i went to explo. just a month of pure relaxation and RELAXATION. which is exactly what i needed after going through hell during school last year. fuck you sophomore year, i may have grown from you but you still sucked beyond belief.
1. those 2 weeks between explo and the 311 concert. these 2 weeks are the definition of summer in my head. i sat in my room most of the time (and outside a lot too actually) and just enjoyed the sunny sky and listened to great music which just elevated my mood to an alltime high and i became as happy as i've ever been at that moment in time. and having 2 weeks of that is just pure gravy.
i guess thanks summer. i say i guess cuz i dont know whats to come ahead, but i do know this summer was really good and i used it to its fullest potential. i've done everything, i've accepted change wherever it came and i'm ready to tackle this year head on on the first day so its weakened for the rest of the time. |
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| the wick is burning returning what we have |
[Jul. 7th, 2005|12:43 am] |
| [ | music |
| | 311 - beyond the gray sky | ] |
eh these summer days are so frustrating.
i mean, i'm loving them because i'm relaxing and theres not a lot of stressful things on my mind. i just have a whole lot of loose ends which need to be tied because i just feel like i'm not accomplishing anything.
for example, i havne't been to nyc yet. i just wanna chill there in greenwich and go to the blue note or something and just have a really good day.
then, i promised myself i'd be jamming a lot and so far i've only jammed twice this summer. i really wanna change that.
i just set myself up for so many plans in one day, and always the same ones get turned down for various reasons (ie. goin to manhattan or jammin) and i always end up either hanging out with a new random girl (which does not happen that much anyway) or i just chill with like, james, boris, judy or something. and we do nothing. and i don't have that fun that ppl should be having in the summer.
maybe i'll try to do something about it.
hmmm having a MATH TUTOR KILL YOUR DAY TOMORROW DOESN'T HELP.
phalumpinkshoop. |
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| if i can't be my own i'd feel better dead |
[May. 26th, 2005|04:46 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | alice in chains - nutshell | ] |
^i know i've put on that lyric so many times, but RIGHT as i was starting my entry it came on, and i'm too lazy to look for another one for now.
boptones concert tonight. |
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| *harmonics sounding* |
[Dec. 18th, 2004|10:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  *sigh* | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Jaco Pastorius - Portrait Of Tracy | ] |
sigh
i'm such a patient person |
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| what made u wanna end it all? |
[Oct. 16th, 2004|02:13 pm] |
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why do kids like to sleep so much? as if they can tell the difference between sleeping and being awake. life to them is rainbows and bunnies anyway. |
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| feels like standing still |
[Sep. 30th, 2004|09:59 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | tool - prison sex | ] |
i'm not gonna elaborate cuz i'm too lazy, but i support bush. kerry is too much of a pussy to run a country. |
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| grood |
[Aug. 16th, 2004|05:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  frustrated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Unity - 311 | ] |
heh look at the last sentence of the entry i wrote late last nite. |
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